By Jane Bell, CEO, InFocus Charity.
Usually when people describe me, they would use words like “passionate, “enthusiastic”, and “high energy”. I have always seen it as an important part of my role as a charity CEO to inject energy into an organisation and to create some forward momentum and sense of excitement. This just seemed to be part of my personality and level of personal resilience and I never really questioned where it came from and what might happen if it ran out, as it never had!
In October 2020, before vaccinations were a thing, I caught Covid and spent a very hot and confused week in bed. At the end of this week I still had a temperature of 40+ and an oxygen saturation level of 82 and was blue-lighted into hospital. I ended up in ITU, slowly deteriorating until the day of the ventilator arrived, and I had to say a just-in-case goodbye to my children.
Even now I am not sure exactly what changed the trajectory on that day, but I know in part it was the almost touchable energy pulsing out of my phone. This came from good wishes from hundreds of people from decades of my life, some of whom I had not seen in years but who all made the effort to connect with me and urge me back to health. It was literally like being plugged into the mains and bump started! My inner resilience re-emerged at just the right time, and by the end of that day, I was breathing enough to avoid the ventilator.
After three weeks of ITU and a rammed Covid ward, I came home. Exhausted, sleep deprived and very feeble but also elated and immensely grateful. During November and December 2020, I slowly fought my way through the fatigue, the brain fog, the muscle aches, the breathlessness and other complications. I started back at work half time in January 2021 and full time in February. Mistake number one! By March, it was very clear to me and people around me that I was not firing on three cylinders let alone four. Making decisions, sequencing actions, following discussions in meeting, walking around our 14-acre site, doing any stairs, finishing sentences in a coherent way – all of these things were proving difficult, frustrating and confusing.
I did not however stop work, and carried on more or less full time, with the support and understanding of both trustees and my senior team. (Mistake number 2). After a few more months this was categorised as Long Covid and I was referred to the pretty non-existent Long Covid clinic. This was basically a triage service that sent each of my symptoms to a specific clinic or consultant who might or might not be able to suggest anything that would be helpful, mainly in isolation from each other.
Some interventions were very helpful like the respiratory physiotherapists teaching me 1) how to breathe again as my brain/lungs had forgotten how to do it 2) why holding your breath the entire time you go upstairs is not helpful and 3) how to get past the first ten painful gasping minutes of any exercise I tried to do.
Some things I had to work out for myself, and this has been the most interesting part of the whole process, and it has changed how I work and how I balance out my life.
As previously mentioned, mistake number one was going back to work far too soon and mistake number two was to then keep trying to make it work rather than admitting I needed more time off. I have met many people in the charity sector over my 30 years that feel very bad about not being at work. They will keep going through illness, bereavement and all sorts of challenges because they do not want to let the side down, do not want to put their work onto other people or feel that things will just not operate if they are not there. It is amazing commitment and dedication but not necessarily great leadership. When I was off, my organisation carried on. My colleagues on the senior management team took the reins. The trustees offered support where needed. Nothing bad happened. Being at work on less than three cylinders was very frustrating for my colleagues and probably caused them more work, not less!
I have met many people in the charity sector over my 30 years that feel very bad about not being at work. They will keep going through illness, bereavement and all sorts of challenges because they do not want to let the side down, do not want to put their work onto other people or feel that things will just not operate if they are not there. It is amazing commitment and dedication but not necessarily great leadership.
An outcome of not being here but everything being ok was that I had to accept that maybe I was not spending my time as effectively as I could. I have reviewed all the meetings I used to go to and stopped going to some, as I am simply not needed, and sometimes even got in the way. I now drop in from time to time more as a quality assurance guest than a participant, which has given me better insights to what’s going on than being a regular!
I got a place on a Nuffield Health Long Covid recovery programme. This programme of 1:1 personal trainer support and gym access involved 12 weeks of doing more exercise than I usually did before I had Covid. The gym is not my natural habitat so it was quite a shock to my system. For me, this did not really work, and I found pushing myself physically to recover created more setbacks than progress. However, carving out the time from my calendar 2-3 times a week did help my brain recall planning and organising, which was really useful at that particular time.
I have also (finally) worked out that my bucket of energy is not bottomless. I now acknowledge that I have a finite amount of energy and it gets used up and it does run out. I have learnt to ration my energy a little better and apply it where it is most needed. When I can see the bottom of my bucket, I do something to top it back up. For me, that is a swap from the CEO paper-shuffling to time spent with the young people we support. That direct and most enjoyable reminder of why I do the job I do certainly replenishes my bucket, even it’s only for 15 minutes in a day.
I have also (finally) worked out that my bucket of energy is not bottomless. I now acknowledge that I have a finite amount of energy and it gets used up and it does run out. I have learnt to ration my energy a little better and apply it where it is most needed.
My diary tended to have two or three heavy consecutive days with back to back meetings, at the end of which all I wanted to do was slump in a heap. I can’t do that anymore so I try to keep my diary balanced through the week. That way people who meet with me at the end of the week get the same level of engagement and attention as they would have at the beginning of the week! I also diarise short breaks from my desk, like a meeting with myself. This wards off any fatigue and has also made me a more reflective and calmer leader because I am having just a bit more thinking time and a bit less doing time. As a life long pragmatist, this has been a revelation.
I now work to my own “lack-of-lark” circadian rhythm and I start work between 9.00 and 9.30 rather than forcing an 8.30 start on my brain. Nobody minded, it was just me thinking I should be here earlier than everyone else because it was the right thing to do.
I retain an acute awareness of the power of connecting with people, even briefly, and sending them a bit of encouragement or appreciation. If a tiny bit of my energy can transfer to someone else and give them the boost they need, then that is incredibly worthwhile for a few minutes of my time. Those small acts can have a huge (and in my case lifesaving) impact.
I have been very lucky to have supportive colleagues and trustees. I was very lucky to catch Covid when I did. A few months earlier and they would not have had the oxygen, steroid and plasma options that I benefitted from. A few weeks later and ITU was full to capacity. I was very lucky to have more than statutory sick leave that meant I could take a paid day off here and there when the recovery was tough.
In July 2022 I was finally signed off by the Long Covid clinic, partly because I am very much better (about 90% of my former self) and partly because they cannot really think of anything else to offer me. I have celebrated it as a milestone in a much bigger rethink of myself! Covid and Long Covid was not much fun but it has actually made me take more care of myself, think more about how to use my time and energy effectively, focus on what I do best in my organisation and it has made me connect more to our people.
And all of that has made me a better leader and CEO and all the more joyful and grateful about working in our sector with all its inherent energy, passion, commitment and impact!
